Underground Magazine

UK to outsource all unemployment to India

maurice.brooks — Wed, 15 May 2013 12:56:53 +0000

Job-seekers have reacted with disappointment to the news that that the UK government is outsourcing all unemployment to India. Once-widespread activities like applying for hundreds of jobs, getting rejected from hundreds of jobs, and crying into a pillow, will now be carried out by young professionals in bespoke ‘unemployment centres’ in Mumbai. “While Britain has a proud history of unemployment, we simply must move with the times and accept the consequences of globalisation,” said a government spokesperson. “If people want to talk to an unemployed person, they can call a 24/7 hotline manned by highly-skilled Indian professionals with rigorous unemployment training, at a fraction of the cost to the taxpayer.”

Axis Of Evil split up citing “creative differences”

maurice.brooks — Tue, 14 May 2013 15:57:52 +0000

Global politics fans were today left distraught by the announcement that geopolitical supergroup The Axis of Evil are splitting up. After a difficult few years being eclipsed by new up-and-coming enemies of the West, the remaining members have decided to finally disband the Axis, stating “We’ll continue to destabilise the world in our own unique ways - just not together.”

Proactive ATOS inspector just wandering around telling people they’re fit for work

maurice.brooks — Sat, 11 May 2013 17:05:17 +0000

ATOS is facing fresh criticism after it was revealed that a senior employee has spent the past three months wandering about telling random people they're fit for work, apropos of nothing. Witness reported that Bertram Felstead (54) meanders from town to town, a bindle over his shoulder, going up to random people and telling them they're fit for work, before throwing a smoke bomb to the floor disappearing into the night.

“Revolutionary” tube WIFI allows users to view Virgin Media ad while underground

maurice.brooks — Thu, 09 May 2013 12:00:34 +0000

London Underground users are being treated to “a vision of the future” as they can now access Virgin Media advertisements, on wireless devices, throughout the Tube network.

Local family retreats to post-Ferguson survival bunker

maurice.brooks — Wed, 08 May 2013 11:23:30 +0000

Initiating his “foolproof plan” to survive in a bleak, sterile post-Ferguson world, Dave Worthing, Chairman of the Manchester United Fan Club, rushed to collect his sons from school before retreating to a custom-built concrete shelter at the bottom of his Balham garden.

Cool Dad “Tokes” On A “Doob”

maurice.brooks — Wed, 08 May 2013 10:41:11 +0000

The back garden of a Finsbury Park house was turned into some sort of hippie free-for-all yesterday after 42 year old dad Andrew Spurrier spent the afternoon surreptitiously toking away on a doobie. Spurrier, who claims he used to "get totally toasted, like, all the time, before the kids", waited until his wife and two youngest children went to their music lessons before retreating into the garden and going to town on a marijuana cigarette he'd carefully prepared the week before.

Man’s Bucket List Is Just ‘Visit M&M’s World’

maurice.brooks — Tue, 07 May 2013 12:02:57 +0000

John Hern, who has advanced lung cancer and is expected to live another six months, spent two weeks drawing up the list."I don't see what the issue is," said Hern, from his hospital bed. "I just really want to go to M&M's World".

Scientists release list of people having sex who aren’t you

maurice.brooks — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 13:55:06 +0000

Today saw the release of the 2013 edition of People Who Aren’t You Who Are Currently Getting Nailed, the annual catalogue of how much sex everyone other than you is having. “PWAYWACGN 13 is the biggest and best yet,” said lead researcher Ivo Cruise, who, along with a team of […]

William Hague leading United Kingdom bid to compete in nuclear war

maurice.brooks — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 14:17:34 +0000

Hague declares that Britain “cannot and will not be left behind” in the eagerly-anticipated armageddon, set to start on the Korean peninsula in the next couple of months.

BBC to only play five second clip of Thatcher funeral

maurice.brooks — Fri, 12 Apr 2013 14:39:56 +0000

The BBC today confirmed that the funeralof Margaret Thatcher will only be played for ‘4 or 5 seconds’ in an attempt to avoid offending members of the public. “We understand that some people may feel this amounts to censorship,” said Ben Cooper, controller of Radio 1. “But I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. Not reporting it would risk giving her supporters the oxygen of further publicity. What we’re doing is a compromise - we’ll play a few seconds, and then we’ll bring on a newsreader to explain that some people thought such a lavish funeral was a good idea, even if we at the BBC find it sickening.”