Captain Louis Van Gaal today insisted that his purchase of a new ‘Ángel di María’ deckchair for £59.7m signified the salvation of the Titanic, despite recently piloting the massive ‘unsinkable’ cruise liner into an iceberg.
Replacing John Kerry, today the Obama administration has awarded the role of US Secretary of State to a magic 8 ball.
1. “I’ve decided to sell my Hoover…it was just collecting dust.” – Tim Vine
2. “I’ve decided to sell my Hoover…it just sucked.” – Tim Vine
3. “I’ve decided to sell my Hoover…we had a bit of a domestic.” – Tim Vine
4. “I’ve decided to sell my Hoover…guess I’ll just have to suck it up.” – Tim Vine
British children looking for a year of adventure between school and university are enrolling in the Islamic State in increasingly large numbers, according to a report released today by the Foreign Office.
“It makes a lot of sense. These kids need to become self-starters, learn the adult skills that will stand them in good stead as they go to university and beyond – and there’s no better place to pick all of that up than standing in the front lines near Mosul, grasping an AK47 in your sweaty, terrified hands, chanting ‘Allahu Akbar’ and being picked off by Kurdish Peshmerga snipers,” commented a spokesman for the Foreign Office. “Parents shouldn’t be concerned – it’s more of a rite of passage which will ultimately give their children the skills they need to succeed in the modern job market.”
“It was a close call for me between helping build a school in Tanzania, working on an environmental project in Costa Rica, and participating in mass beheadings just north of Baghdad,” said Rose Tewksbury, one 18-year old who took the plunge to join the Islamic State with her parents’ blessing. “But I’m glad of the experience. I’ve been able to teach local people the core mass-murdering skills they need to take part in global jihad, and it’s counting towards my Duke of Edinburgh too.”Read more ›