Business

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Artisan bank selling craft mortgages

A local bank has begun offering a ‘carefully curated’ selection of artisan loans and craft mortgages. “We’ve got no ‘financial model’ or ‘business plan’ or any of that other corporate bullshit.” commented Tom Brookes, owner of the...

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Steve Jobs comes out as dead

Former Apple CEO Steve Jobs came out today as a dead person, in an announcement that has been praised around the world for its honesty and bravery. “Of course, it was privately known that Steve had been dead for many years, but this is the first...

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Tesco bans guide dogs from stores for loitering

The supermarket giant Tesco today clarified that guide dogs are not allowed into any of its stores because “they just mope around and leave without buying anything.” They also announced that they are installing high pitched alarms to keep the...

"Only 5853% APR? What a bargain!"

Cash-strapped Wonga take out £220m Wonga loan

  After writing off £220m of customer debt in a gesture of good faith, Wonga have taken out a £220m Wonga loan to shore up their profits. “We’ve really been hit hard by these new affordability checks we’re bringing in,” said chairman...

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