Compressed chimps

Group of chimps still using stone tools like total fucking morons

Compressed chimps

Ridiculing the animals for their failure to develop even basic bronze smelting techniques, zoologists have today reported that a group of chimpanzees in the Ivory Coast’s Taï National Park are still using stone tools like a bunch of complete fucking morons.

“Having observed these creatures for a 3-month period, we’ve seen that they make frequent use of stone objects to crack nuts, dig for tubers and divide fruit into more easily edible pieces – as if this were 10,000 BC or something!” commented researcher Helen Jenner. “Frankly, if these pitiable cretins are the smartest, most advanced animals out there, God knows what the others must be like.”

Jenner also noted that the chimps had failed to master anything more than the very most elementary rudiments of British Sign Language, forming only simple grammatical constructions and deploying limited, largely food-related vocabulary despite hours of patient tutoring by researchers. At press time, Jenner had begun to pour derision on the chimpanzees’ slapdash hygienic procedures and unsophisticated proto-tribal political structures, expressing doubt that the animals would ever advance to such civilizational milestones as organized agriculture or the internal combustion engine.

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