Hipsters attack

Grim-faced hipster leaders issue final ultimatum to civilian population of Shoreditch

Hipsters attack

Hipsters attack

Demanding that all remaining footholds of residence be abandoned by noon tomorrow, grim-faced hipster leaders have today issued a final ultimatum to the civilian population of Shoreditch.

In a video released on Youtube and directed at any resident of the Central London zone not already subscribing to hipster ideological and cultural practices, three scowling men with obtrusive beards urge residents to “abandon your futile struggle”, threatening “ongoing and merciless extermination” of any non-hipster still remaining in the area after the elapsing of the allotted time.

“You cannot win. Every man, woman and child among you must take a single bag of belongings with them and leave the area,” the central figure in the video is heard to say. “If you stay, you will be slaughtered like dogs.”

The video follows another, similar message released last week, in which a hostage seized from a non-independent cafe raided by hipster forces last year was decapitated by a masked executioner, who commented in fluent North London-accented English that the advent of Twitter has made heads unnecessary.

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