Girl Summit 2014

Theresa May set to be PM of horrifying alternate universe

Girl Summit 2014

The Home Secretary, Theresa May, has today become the strong favourite to be the next Prime Minister of a horrifying alternate universe riven by pain and despair, sources confirm.

The withdrawal of Andrea Leadsom – a hard-right Tory MP who, in this terrifying hypothetical world, had somehow become May’s last serious opponent for the post – leaves the Home Secretary’s path to victory seemingly clear, making it all but certain that she will reign for the next few years over the warped, eldritch hell-scape within which these events took place. May’s first governmental priority, in this twisted and deeply disturbing parallel reality, is to be the negotiation of Britain’s exit from the European Union, for which purpose she has pledged to use the residency rights of UK-based EU nationals as diplomatic leverage.

“It’s chilling, no doubt about it,” commented Professor Susan Lately, the quantum physicist whose calculations revealed the existence of this hideous, deformed alternative world. “To think that there’s a reality out there somewhere in which the woman who did the ‘Go Home’ vans is going to be anointed as the moderate candidate for Prime Minister… well, it makes your skin crawl.”

Other observers have been more sanguine about the revelations. “If the electorate of this other world are going to tolerate a Prime Minister who presided for several years over a rancid xenophobic bureaucracy, that’s their problem,” commented Dr Nathan Shawcross, a member of Lately’s research team. “A universe populated by masochistic racists deserves everything it gets.”

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