Miliband pledges to never agree with any Scottish person on anything ever

The Labour leader Ed Miliband has this week pledged that, in the event of a hung parliament, the Labour Party will avoid all communication with any Scottish individual, anywhere, ever.

“It isn’t right for one part of the country to be calling the shots over all the rest,” commented Mr Miliband. “Nicola Sturgeon’s SNP wants to break up our country. And that is why, if I don’t win a majority, I promise that I will not have so much as a polite conversation with any elected representative from a Scottish constituency, or with any Scottish person of any kind.”

Supporters and detractors of Mr Miliband have scrambled to interpret Mr Miliband’s remarks. Observers were particularly surprised by a section of the Labour leader’s speech which also ruled out collaboration of any kind with Scottish Labour MPs. Miliband went as far as describing the Scottish Labour leader Jim Murphy as “a charmless Glaswegian nonce.”

Some media outlets have remained unconvinced by Miliband’s remarks. Seizing on a moment in which the Labour leader conceded that he “might smile politely” if confronted by an SNP MP in the corridors of Parliament, the Sun led this morning with the headline: “Red Ed REFUSES to rule out SNP smile plot”.

The Conservative Party continues to campaign around the possibility of a Labour-SNP axis. “The SNP is a party that wants to divide the UK and set British people against one another,” asserted the Prime Minister David Cameron today at the unveiling of a new billboard warning that “Filthy jock scum will steal your women”. “And to all of us who profoundly love and cherish Britain and all its citizens, that’s very concerning.”

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