Russian president Vladimir Putin has today quashed rumours that he may be suffering ill-health with a public appearance after 11 days out of the public eye.
The 62-year old was photographed bareback horse-riding on top of a submarine while simultaneously winning a fight with a grizzly bear. Although the submarine appears to be 2,500 metres below the surface of the sea at the time of the photograph being taken, Russian press have verified its authenticity.
“As we can see here, the president is fine,” said a reporter for Russia Today as she held up a picture of Putin continuing to hold his breath for the 1124th consecutive minute while punching the bear on the nose.
During his absence from public view the President has apparently been very busy. “He single handedly brought down a charging rhinoceros that had escaped from the Moscow Zoo,” said Prime Minister Medvedev. “He also jumped over three buses on his motorcycle to escape a ball of flame engulfing a tunnel behind him, discovered lost Incan treasures while on a layover in Peru and delivered 327 babies in just three hours last Saturday.”
Reports that a waxwork dummy may have been used in today’s press conference in St Petersburg were laughed off by the state spokesman. “Sometimes Mr Putin does not need to blink for extended periods of time and will keep his face perfectly still for maximum listening performance. Who are you to question the pallor and apparent lack of breathing of one of the world’s greatest living -and I want to emphasise that point- definitely living statesmen?”
The Russian parliament has passed a bill this morning making it a crime of high treason for anyone to suggest Mr Putin might experience ill health in the future. “We hereby declare that Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin is the greatest human being who has ever lived and he will continue to do so for all time. His failure to do so would obviously result in the collapse of the Russian Federation and subsequent end of human life on this planet.”