“They don’t say dogs are man’s best friend for no reason,” said his distraught trainer Aleksandra Lauwers. “He was a passionate critic of the Russian oligarchy and mafia who rule the country. He even suffered a prolonged period of dog-house arrest in recent times for speaking out. He knew the risks he was taking.”
For years Jagger wrote a pro-democracy column under the pseudonym of Thendara Satisfaction. “Irish setters have been bred for years to have highly developed moral compasses that are augmented by their powerful noses,” said a spokesman for Reporters Without Border Collies. “It’s not surprising many of them become campaigning journalists.”
The Russian government are proclaiming their innocence but have promised to immediately drop the investigation into the killing of Boris Nemtsov to focus on the killing of Jagger. However, there are many who believe that a truly open investigation cannot be carried out by the prime suspects.
Tributes have been flooding in today for the poisoned Irish setter. “Following the very problematic elections in 2011 and the subsequent clamp down on protests and free speech, Jagger was one of several brave canines who continued to speak out,” said US Secretary of State John Kerry. “Even in the face of neutering threats he would not let his bark be silenced.”
Conspiracy theorists have already claimed that there is no way to know if the setter killed at the weekend was actually Jagger. “Perhaps it was a doppelganger and the real Jagger has been placed in witness protection?” said a prominent Crufts blogger who wished to remain anonymous. “As we say in the dog breeding business ‘Cui bono?’ or ‘Whose bone is this?’”