Earlier this morning Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, admitted himself to rehab for chronic pledge addiction. The head of the Liberal Democrats is said to have engaged in a ‘reckless pledging binge’ last night, one that his recently assigned personal councillor, Geraldine Bickford branded, “Beyond the realms of rationality and decency.”
“I first starting pledging when I was just a backbencher,” Clegg explained during a Skype press conference from his rehab dorm room. “I needed something to focus my mind, and it gave me a real boost when I could deliver upon the pledge. It was a real rush, y’know? The pledging helped my career no-end, people noticed me and there were some actual changes made.”
“But the more I pledged the weaker the buzz became and I craved a bigger high, so the pledges became bigger and more elaborate,” continued the Deputy PM. “In my lowest moment, I was pledging to everything, I even pledged to my wife Miriam that we would have a holiday home on the moon. I realise now, thanks to the help of my family, friends and the current polling figures, that I need help and that is why I am here.”
Many candidates running for a seat in the next general election have been highly critical of Clegg’s so called pledging addiction. “Thanks to Clegg, pledging has become a toxic word and us regular MP’s who use pledging in moderation now have to suffer the consequences of this fool’s irresponsible and thoughtless actions,” commented Slough Lib Dem candidate, Tom McCann.
“The image of the sensible pledger has now been tarnished and I fear that it will always have a negative stigma associated with it,” said McCann. “I myself used to partake of the occasional pledge to make a difficult campaign speech go more smoothly but that’s just not politically viable anymore. In moderation, pledging is a fantastic political tool that focuses MP’s, rallies voters and ensures delivery of one’s word. Well, at least it used to.”
Currently, Nick Clegg has settled into the Downing Street Rehab clinic and has pledged to fight his addiction.