The University of Westminster today announced a review into its flagship beheading course in response to claims that ISIS militant Mohammed Emwazi, otherwise known as ‘Jihadi John’, may have been influenced by his degree as an undergraduate.
“We’ve realised that our BA in Decapitation & Sociology may be open to misinterpretation and as such, we’ve launched a transparent investigation into adjusting some of the course content,” commented Vice-Chancellor Geoff Petts.
“Never in our wildest dreams did we think that teaching 21-year olds to grab a fellow human being by their hair, yank their head back, and saw away could lead to the evil behaviour of this monster. We fully condemn Emwazi’s actions and insist that they are in no way reflective of the ethos of the beheading course that he studied under,” continued the Vice-Chancellor.
“Mohammed was always just a really nice, quiet guy,” commented a former classmate of the ISIS executioner. “He’d get in to the labs at 9am, find himself a nice livestock carcass to practice on, and take to it with a chainsaw without bothering anyone else or making a scene.
“Looking back, there were some early signs – like when he started screaming ‘death to the infidels’ and ‘I will cut off these Western bastards’ heads one by one’ in the library while studying for his finals – I just assumed he was passionate about the course like the rest of us. He was always hard to read.”
“It’s such a shame – Mohammed was the kind of guy you’d say would never hurt a fly,” said his former lecturer, Professor Julie Tarmouth. “Unless the fly was part of the course syllabus, in which case he’d cut off its head.”