Celebrations are beginning all across the United Kingdom this evening after it was announced that the only remaining corrupt politicians in the house of parliament had finally been removed. Sir Malcolm Rifkind and Jack Straw will go down in history as the last ever British MPs to abuse their office and a new era of moral politics is dawning.
“It is outrageous that in this day and age there were somehow still men masquerading as democratically elected representatives of the people who were abusing this sacred responsibility to line their own pockets,” said a furious David Cameron. “If being paid a £60,000 salary, not to mention a housing allowance of £140,000 and expenses on top wasn’t enough for these leeches, they pimped themselves out to foreign businesses. And they charged a daily rate! It just makes you sick.”
The Parliamentary Standards Committee is once again being praised for their proactive attitude in reacting to news the MPs were referring themselves for investigation.
“We’re 110% confident that we have removed the only remaining politicians in this country using their office to enrich themselves while selling off the country to businesses,” said a spokesperson for the PSC. “We’re pretty much out of a job now the rest of the politicians won’t need to be investigated. Our work is finally done. Standards fully achieved everybody! Pack it all up!”
Further savings are also expected to be made now that all the red tape and paperwork that used to be necessary to monitor the expenses of 400 MPs are to be removed.
Police are being congratulated for their detailed knowledge of the actions of the men controlling the levers of the country which they are believed to have seen on Channel Four. They would not comment on their ongoing inquiry into this most serious of crimes but released the following hopeful statement: “We are currently not investigating any crimes in relation to the selling of influence by members of the government.”