David Cameron and George Osbourne at Northern Rock Conference

Fifty Shades of Grey related interest in BDSM gives Tories 6 point poll boost

David Cameron and George Osbourne at Northern Rock Conference

My desires are… unconventional.

Statistics released today show a direct link between rising interest in sadomasochist experimentation and support for the Conservative party. As anticipation over the release of the first Fifty Shades of Gray movies has risen in recent weeks many voters are turning their attention to the conservative manifesto in order to get their fix.

“People are starting to see that there are more than one way your government can prove they love you,” said David Cameron. “Traditionally people expected the government to make you feel good about yourself and to make sensible choices about your future together. Modern political theory is more about high doses of discomfort with brief moments of relief that are only pleasurable by comparison. Austerity is like nipple clamping a whole country and I can’t recommend it highly enough.”

“The modern electorate reads reports about our shadowy donors’ massive tax evasion schemes and then beg us for 5 more years in power,” he continued. “We spend all week long telling them they’re worthless and they would be dead without us and then when they come crawling back for help we tell them we need to be crueler for their benefit.”

This resurgence of interest in the type of sadistic policy choices favoured by Margaret Thatcher has really solidified support amongst those who had been considering voting UKIP. “I do like a lot of the policies coming out of UKIP and Nigel does like to talk about how mean he’ll be,” says Beckington resident Martin Herman, “But when you look into his eyes there is still too much human emotion there. I need a PM who will look right through me with his cold dead eyes and then proceed to do terrible things to my bank balance.”

Veteran candidates for all parties are said to be loving being more open with the public on the campaign trail. “When I tell people on their doorstep what we’re planning to do with the country they feel threatened and vulnerable,” said an MP who wished to remain anonymous. “It’s a real turn on. I haven’t been seeing this much frightened skirt since the 70’s!”

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