“It’s obvious to us now why our austerity programmes have not been as effective as we predicted,” said George Osborne. “Society’s innovators have been minimising their tax obligations far more effectively than we’ve been cutting public spending and for that we can only apologise. When the conservative party are returned to power in three months time we pledge to cut every remaining programme to the bone so our wealthy citizens can continue to innovate so freely.”
“Basic economics dictates that a bank may be either on the verge of collapse or complicit in the stealing of resources from a country,” continued the Chancellor. “I know which one I’d prefer!”
HSBC have formally apologised for embarrassing the Chancellor through their hard work. “What we really need is a public awareness campaign to deal with people who think this behavior is illegal,” said Lord Green. “It’s a well known principle in economics that it is only stealing if you take money, not if you don’t pay it.”
“We need to prove to the public that all the arts centres and sports facilities that have had to be closed, all the people who have lost disability payments, all belt tightening, lean thinking and other hungry metaphors have all been worth it,” he continued. “Maybe we should show them the smiling face of a billionaire who has managed to pay less taxes than the people who clean his office. That will put things in perspective.”
Members of the public were not contacted for comment on this story as they just wouldn’t understand.