All forms of poverty have reportedly been fixed in the last week following a series of roundtable meetings between billionaires, politicians and celebrities at this year’s World Economic Forum in Davos.
“Yeah, turns out it wasn’t that hard when we put our minds to it,” commented Indra Nooyi, CEO of PepsiCo. “I think it was that nerd who made Twitter who was all like, hey guys, what’s even the deal with poverty? So we got in a room, did a bit of brainstorming and we’ve got it all worked out now.”
“Whoever said this whole conference is a vanity-driven waste of time and money must be kicking themselves now!” she added, while adding ‘Keynote speech at WEF 2015’ to her LinkedIn profile.
It is not yet known how exactly poverty was fixed during the discussions that took place in Swiss ski chalets and luxury hotels, but sources close to Underground Magazine have revealed that it would be better to just accept it and move on instead of challenging the extremely powerful people who made all this happen.
Sources added that we are all extremely grateful that these people were able to make time in their busy schedules to care about the rest of the world.
“Usually I spend these summits slowly demolishing my liver with 150-year old bourbon and pinching the female stewards’ asses,” said US Senator Patrick Donovan, “But this time round I stumbled into a room while someone was talking about malnourishment and I just said ‘fix it’ – so we did!”
Reports of millions of people out in the streets rejoicing worldwide have confirmed the dramatic improvement in the state of humanity over the last few days, although some critics have suggested that there were already millions of people out on the streets, and that they weren’t rejoicing but simply going about their day-to-day lives.
“Talking about poverty can be a bit difficult for rich people like us,” commented the Duke of Westminster, “But quite honestly I’m glad we put that unpleasantness aside and did, because solving it on a global scale will finally shut those whining lefties up once and for all.”
“And to think, if the snow conditions had been better we might not have bothered.”