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Iraq Inquiry could be published within 45 years, warn experts

031113-F-0981H-032

Defence inquiry analysts today warned that the Chilcot Inquiry could be published ‘within 45 years’, causing widespread panic.

Sir John Chilcot reportedly has the capability to launch a report within 45 years of being given the order to carry one out. If published, the report could damage reputations within a 1000 mile radius.

“Chilcot has used factual questions, not only against an enemy state, but against our own politicians,” said ex-PM Tony Blair. “Intelligence reports make clear that he sees the building up of his word count, and the belief that he would use these words, as vital to his strategic interests, and in particular his goal of eventually publishing a strongly-worded report. We should be very concerned about this threat.”

The 45-year claim was defended by former spin doctor Alastair Campbell. “It’s based on rock solid evidence,” said Campbell. “Chilcot has everything necessary at his disposal to publish this report in under half a century. What, show you the evidence? Ah, that’s classified, I’m afraid.”

One inquiry expert was sceptical. “This is a ridiculous and inflated claim that has no basis in fact,” said Dr. Kelly Davids. “There’s simply no proof that this inquiry even exists. I think this whole thing has been fabricated by Tony Blair.”

But Blair strongly denied rumours that UN Inspectors had found Chilcot’s keyboard with the letters ‘W’, ‘M’, or ‘D’ removed, making it impossible for him to write the words ‘war’, ‘warmonger’, or ‘dodgy dossier’. “Those letters are there and ready to be used,” he said. “Trust me on this one. When have I been wrong before?”

 

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