There has been widespread horror after it emerged that the satirical publication Underground Magazine has murdered 12 of its staff cartoonists in an attempt to increase readership.
“It worked for Charlie Hebdo, and they weren’t even funny — so we thought it was worth a try,” said the editor of Underground Magazine, who was miraculously unscathed in an attack where they shot most of their team. “After all, isn’t having our brand of humour read by millions of people who don’t get it exactly what we’re all about?”
“Listen, Charlie Hebdo went from being a niche offensive humour magazine to being a symbol of the Western ideal of free speech and heroes of France. They went from a print run of 60,000 to 5,000,000 — frankly, that’s a growth trajectory we’re interested in,” he added.
Several staff managed to escape unharmed, a mistake expected to cost Underground Magazine millions in additional sales.
Members of the general public have already been voicing their emphatic and unconditional support for Underground Magazine on social media and by repeatedly clicking the adverts on the website that appear above articles like this one.
“Before this tragedy, I’d written the magazine off as just a bunch of hacks looking to make fun of people,” said Alan Burns, 27. “Now that they’re dead, I realise the magazine was actually a bastion of great British values, and that they should all be given OBEs and buried in Westminster Abbey just for being brave enough to write the things they write. Whatever they are. I’ve never actually read it. I don’t think I’d even like it. But I’m buying twenty copies.”
“If we don’t buy the magazine, then those cartoonists will have been brutally murdered (by their editor) for nothing,” agreed Julia Brown. “We have to send a strong message that acts of terrorism do wonders for circulation figures.”
PM David Cameron has given his backing to a planned rally for Underground Magazine, where millions will gather in Trafalgar Square to sing ‘God Save the Queen’ in defence of anti-establishment values, and pledged government funding for millions of additional copies of the next issue.
“You know, I’d actually give up all the media attention, the money, and the posthumous co-opting of my friends into martyrs by the French state if I could just see them again,” said some moron who works for Charlie Hebdo.