Local man and so-called “moderate Muslim” Ahmed al-Dur today point blank refused to condemn the recent Al-Qaeda attacks in Paris for twenty straight seconds whilst eating an egg and cress sandwich.
Sources say that al-Dur – who is already being described as a “classic case study” in the mass complicity of supposedly peaceful British Muslims in extremist terror – moved his jaws in a chewing motion for slightly more than a third of a minute, consistently refusing during this time to offer a single spoken thought on the unacceptability of the gunmen’s actions.
“There he was, enjoying his sandwich,” one observer commented. “When what he should have been doing was using his position as a British Muslim to apply pressure to Al-Qaeda.”
“In the wake of such a terrible tragedy, I would expect to see British Muslims everywhere standing up for our values,” they continued. “And yet yesterday I saw Mr al-Dur in Tescos, not using the opportunity to publicly condemn the brutal murders, but instead asking a member of staff where he could find the multipack crisps. The extremist bastard.”
In response to the attacks, new ‘tough but fair’ measures being proposed by the Home Office include giving all British Muslims little signs saying “I do not condone terrorism” for use whilst their mouths are full.