Following news that women will be given frontline combat roles by 2016, The MOD has announced immediate plans to train soldiers in make up, shoes and pillow fights.
“In order to make sure our new female recruits fit in with their male counterparts, we should do our best to make them feel at home immediately” commented Defence Secretary Michael Fallon. “We’ll be having a blanket day on Sunday, and we’re currently organising a screening of The Notebook with a free tub of ice cream.”
Among the new measures, the MOD has announced that new recruits will be trained in getting up at least 40 minutes before a bomb sweep so they have time to put their mascara on, the best way to kick a live M67 fragmentation grenade out of a bunker without breaking their heels, and how to destroy the enemy’s morale with passive-aggressive comments about their appearance.
However, reports that soldiers at Sandhurst could be seen bouncing up and down on mattresses in their underwear while hitting each other with pillows have undermined confidence in the MOD’s new measures.
Reports that the camp itself has become a giant pillow fort remain unconfirmed.
“I hear they’re hiding copies of Grazia inside all the training manuals,” one male soldier commented. “And the other day I picked up a copy of ‘How to drive a tank’, and it was just the latest issue of Cosmo! How am I supposed to work under these conditions!?”
The announcement was followed by an immediate precipitous drop in army standards, as hordes of Taliban insurgents overran Camp Bastion and an ISIS flag unfurled above Buckingham Palace. “How could this possibly happen!?” commented one army general. “It’s unreal!”