An enormous new Sheffield United stadium, named after convicted rapist and Sheffield striker Ched Evans, will in no way endorse or condone Ched Evans, the club has said.
The development, which will be themed entirely around the life and deeds of Evans, was commissioned after existing Sheffield United patrons, including athlete Jess Ennis, demanded their names be removed from the existing site.
“Ennis is completely right,” commented manager Nigel Clough. “At this point, the only proper course of action is to bulldoze the site, and replace it with an enormous stone monument dedicated to Ched.”
“We’re in touch with the public on this one.” Clough continued, before pulling the shroud off a 50ft high Ched Evans statue. “That’s why we’re bankrolling the establishment of the Ched Evans Institute for Ending Sexual Violence, to be managed and supervised exclusively by Ched himself.”
However, United managers have insisted that the plans are not final. “Ched has only just started training with the club,” Director of the Board Alan Watkers told reporters. “Whether or not we’re going to build a 50,000-seater stadium, then commision a tapestry commemorating the works of Ched, is still very much up for discussion.”
“Ched is not a role model.” Watkers added, as he toured Sheffield city centre handing out bundles of free Ched-Evans themed merchandise to local children. “The kids in our newly-named Ched Evans Under-15 League will be under no illusions.”
Asked if any lessons had been learned by the club, Watkers responded, “yes.”