Ed Miliband is a bold dynamic leader and will definitely win the next general election, suggest polls taken from Ed Miliband’s imagination.
Describing Miliband as “A natural born winner with the charisma and stature of Winston Churchill” and “definitely not a disappointment to everyone”, Miliband’s mind confidently dismissed the destruction of Scottish Labour, the collapse of the party’s vote, and a crisis of confidence among his backbenchers as ‘minor setbacks’.
Friends and family have been quick to dismiss claims that Ed’s total lack of competence has potentially cost Labour the next election, stating, “Look, he’s doing the best he can, ok?” Miliband was last seen falling over while tying his shoelaces in front of Westminster.
“Ed shouldn’t be so harsh on himself,” Miliband’s mind commented. “He’s doing as well as anyone could in this situation, especially his brother.”
“What about that cap on energy prices?” it added. “I thought Ed did really well there. It’s not all bad.”
Further polling of Miliband’s mind suggests that no one actually minds how nasal Ed’s voice is, and that in any case his wife loves him and that’s all that matters really.
However, late night polling suggests a different picture, with Miliband’s imagination simply repeating the phrase “for fuck’s sake Ed – for fuck’s sake” over and over.
At the time of going to press, Miliband’s inner monologue is reported to account for 60 % of his core vote.