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Green Party to be excluded from 2015 election

The Green Party is to be excluded from ballots in the 2015 General Election, it has been announced.

The decision to bar the party from fielding any candidate in any seats, and to strike their name from the hundreds of thousands of ballots that have printed, was taken for “entirely neutral and apolitical reasons”. The ballots will only include the four traditional parties (the Conservatives, Labour, the Liberal Democrats, and UKIP) to ensure no voter risks mistakenly effecting real political change.

Commenting on the announcement, pollster Jodie Fenton explained, “There’s just no evidence that the Greens have any real support in the country – until they show some signs of electoral success, they can’t be expected to receive any votes.”

The BBC backed the decision, as it coincides with their own policy to provide a balanced coverage across the spectrum of white, privately-educated, increasingly right-wing men.

“UKIP has demonstrated a substantial increase in media support since 2014 across a range of media outlets along with a consistent and robust trend across a number of appearances on Question Time,” said one BBC insider. “The Green party has not demonstrated any comparable increase in support, so it would be unreasonable to offer them a place on the ballot.”

The announcement has been questioned by some who point to the inclusion of the Liberal Democrats, a party destined for catastrophic electoral failure. However, rumours are circulating that they’ve only been included on the ballot “just to see the look on Nick Clegg’s face when they poll below UKIP”.

Green Party leader Natalie Bennett presumably had something to say, but Underground Magazine couldn’t be bothered to find out what it was. “Look, I’m drinking a pint!” said Nigel Farage.

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