Foreign Secretary Philip Hammond told the Commons today that justice for those suspected of terror offences would now be administered via the 13th century method of being chased through the streets by an angry mob.
Addressing the assembled house, the minister outlined proposals designed to “protect British soil from witches, Vikings and the Islamic state”. Proposed measures include reintroduction of Trial by Fire, and weighing suspects against a stack of bibles to determine innocence.
The changes will also make things easier for those whose miserable job it is to press information out of suspects. “This new fangled water-boarding thing really takes the fun out of the whole interrogation process. There’s just no charm to it. This is why we’re going back to basics and putting some of the classic 13th century gamesmanship back into our prosecution system”, chuckled high ranking torturer, John Bradney.
Some commentators have claimed that these measures are barbaric and don’t fit into our modern legal framework, following the death of one high court judge while presiding over a Trial by Combat. These critics have now had their tongues pulled out for heresy.