“The headline results of this study should scare all of us,” commented Professor Daniel Scrivens, one of the scientists involved in the report. “Due to world leaders’ reckless inaction and the economy’s over reliance on seasonal sales, Debenhams is now running Love Actually-themed adverts in September. September!”
Professor Scrivens added that, without radical international action, there is reason to fear that turkey-themed Morrisons’ billboards could be become an August fixture by 2025.
The United Nations Secretary-General, Ban-Ki Moon, also gave the report his backing. “It’s terrible. If there were ever a time for not thinking about how mankind’s mindless abuse of the planet has doomed us all, it’s Christmas. But now it will be right there, staring us right in the face.”
However, a group of researchers funded extensively by advertising firms and pine-tree salesmen has countered the report claiming that the progressive encroachment of the Christmas season was “only a hypothesis,” and “required further study.”