"Calm down dear!"

Osborne vows to end youth unemployment by eliminating the youth

"Calm down dear!"

“Calm down dear!”

At the conservative conference today the Chancellor outlined his bold new strategy for tackling youth unemployment which involved ensuring there were no youth around to remain unemployed.

“When reelected next year we will work to eliminate the youth of this country once and for all,” he told the cheering crowd. “We will cut all assistance for housing, slash unemployment benefits, stop all funding for jobs training and bring back knife crime.” He continued, “If that doesn’t solve the problem we have plans to bring back conscription and escalate the war in Syria.”

“We must face the fact that the youth of today and a harmonious, fully employable society are incompatible with one another. Something has to give. And as we all know, the youth of today are terrible drain on resources. Most of them seem incapable of understanding the difference a proper job or an inherited fortune would make to their lives.”

The proposal was enthusiastically received by the conservative party’s core demographic. “By the time I was 22 I had a decent job with a pension, a brand new car and I had already bought a house for a mere £20,000,” said Mark Andrews, 78 from Devon. “But you try telling those layabout kids that and they say it’s impossible. What they need is a cold harsh dose of reality!”

Underground Magazine attempted to reach out to young people for this article but their guttural grunting was so impossible to understand we have been unable to print a single comment.

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