The government yesterday announced plans for Europe’s largest alligator swamp to be built in East London as part of an initiative to energize the capital’s alligator scene and bring in investments from alligator enthusiasts around the world.
“For too long we have sat and watched as other countries raced ahead in the alligator industry,” announced the PM. “Now it’s time for Britain to get back on track – and to do that, we’re buying £3 billion worth of alligators, flooding 20% of London, and killing anyone who disagrees. Britain is open for business!”
Local residents have responded well to the news. “There used to be hardly any jobs round here,” commented Tim Brenner, 67. “Now we’ve got all sorts – alligator-wound fixers, stray-alligator-killers, bereaved-alligator-victim’s-family-comforters, the works. The other day my son got a job as the guy who puts up warning signs around the swamp saying ‘DO NOT GO IN – DEATH AWAITS’.
“It’s what our economy needed,” said another resident. “It’s turned our area of London into the place to be, apart from the alligator swamp which completely covers it. Don’t go in there – you’ll die.”
Entrepreneurs such as Raj Shaheed have been quick to capitalise on the opportunity. “We launched our GatorDeathAlert mobile app just a couple of days ago and it’s been downloaded 20,000 times so far. Basically it adds a little button called ‘I’m being eaten by an alligator’ to your smartphone which you press if you’re in trouble, and it alerts your friends and family so they can rush to your rescue!”
“In the beta version there’s a 30-minute delay on the alert going out,” Shaheed continued. “But we’re hoping to cut this down to 15.”