Tesco today announced a mass sale of their shares at huge discounts.
“We’ve knocked an incredible 11.5% of all our share prices,” said CEO Dave Lewis. “Come and get them while they’re still worth something!”
“And that’s not all,” he continued. “Our estimated profits have been cut by an incredible £250m – at least!”
Consumer analysts were quick to warn shoppers that the low rates on shares might not be as good a deal as they appear.
“Just because these shares have suddenly become ridiculously cheap, it may be worth checking the sell-by date on them,” said Sarah Klein. “They may have actually gone bad as long ago as last quarter but been artificially inflated with all sorts of nasty accounting additives.”
The Tesco sale extends to a wide range of products. “Credibility, trustworthiness, our reputation – it’s all got to go!” said Lewis.