David Cameron this morning announced plans for a national referendum to kick Scotland out of the United Kingdom. The shock move comes after a minority of 46% of Scots voted in favour of Scottish independence.
Describing the referendum as “another great opportunity to fuck with Scotland”, Cameron explained his reasoning at a press conference.
“Before, we thought that most of them wanted to leave the UK, which was of course exactly why we enjoyed lording it over them and rubbing our Westminster powers in their face,” he said. “But now we know that most of them want to stay, so I say we kick them out.”
Cameron then spoke directly to the Scottish people. “All that stuff we said about really wanting you to stay? Pure, straight-up lies,” he laughed, ripping up a saltire and spitting on it. “I mean, really, somebody with my background caring about Scotland? I can’t believe you all fell for it!”
Alex Salmond has come out strongly against the referendum. “This is just another example of a London-centric parliament trying to bully Scotland,” he said. “We Scots are proud of our union and won’t be forced out. The people have spoken!”
“Plus, an independent Scotland makes no economic sense at all,” he admitted. “Trust me on this. We had literally no idea what we were going to do if we actually won.”