A Facebook status from Bartholomew Harrison telling Scots to vote ‘No’ appears to have swayed the entire referendum. Exit polls show ‘No’ at around 85%, thanks solely to Harrison’s heartfelt status which took twenty seconds to compose.
The two-line status, containing little more than a reference to Scotland’s ‘beautiful mountains” and two smiley faces, ordered the Scottish electorate to stay in the UK because it would make Harrison ‘sad’ to see them go. Harrison went to Scotland once on a family holiday thirteen years ago and considers Rugby to be ‘the North’.
“There was me thinking that we had a real strong case,” said a bereft Nicola Sturgeon, Deputy First Minister. “But Bartholomew’s status really put it all into perspective. He wants us to stay. Call the whole thing off.”
“Nonetheless, it’s a shame we didn’t know about this earlier,” continued Sturgeon ruefully. “Voters should have had all the important arguments laid out in front of them far in advance. Forget oil revenues, this is the real deal-breaker.”
‘No’ campaigners, however, argued that the ‘Yes’ campaign unveiled similar last-minute bombshells on its own side of the debate. In particular, one nationalistic tweet by Douglas James, an American man who is “one-eighth Scottish”, was credited with converted swathes of previously No-leaning inhabitants of Aberdeenshire and southern Glasgow. “It’s just like ‘Braveheart’,” said James, who has a tartan bumper sticker.
At the time of writing, Bartholomew was overheard asking somebody who Alex Salmond was.