Scotland was left mourning the death of First Minister Alex Salmond today after he was tragically and completely accidentally shot to death by the Queen.
The Queen is reported to have been cryptically murmuring “I’ve run out of options” when she inadvertently shot Salmond in the face five times with a crossbow during a closed session meeting in Glasgow.
Clarence House denied that her actions constituted an intervention in the democratic process or threatened her neutral role in the independence debate. “I think Her Majesty was trying to shoot a pigeon that had landed on Salmond,” explained a spokesperson shortly after the meeting, which was conducted indoors. “Unfortunately the pigeon must have flown away and she ended up shooting the First Minister five times.”
“These accidents do happen from time to time, particularly to jumped-up populists about to destroy a 300-year-old Union. But it’s absurd to suggest that she would ever do anything to affect the right of the Scottish people to self-determination.”
“This accident does seem extremely unfortunate given the sheer number of shots issued,” commented a weapons expert. “It takes half a minute to reload a typical crossbow, meaning that Her Majesty definitely must have hit a streak of bad luck.”
The ‘Yes’ campaign has suffered serious setbacks as a result of Salmond’s death, with 98% of those present emerging from the meeting saying they’d changed their minds about independence. “The Queen was very persuasive,” said a shaken Julia Brook. “She let us all inspect the crossbow and feel how sharp and deadly the bolts were, just so we could agree that it was a complete accident. That’s why I’m voting ‘No’.”
The Queen will reportedly be touring polling stations tomorrow holding her crossbow and showing it to voters for no particular reason.