Declaring it “an affront which the UN will not stand for”, Ban Ki-moon has today called for an enquiry to determine, once and for all, who keeps stealing his parking spot.
“The UN notes that it says Ban Ki-moon’s name right in front of the space, so there’s no way anyone is doing this by accident” the Secretary General reportedly told the Security Council early this morning, before sweeping top secret photos of Russian troops in Ukraine off the table and declaring that everyone ‘better clear a fucking big hole in their diaries until we get to the bottom of this’.
“I had to park all the way out by Paraguay,” a visibly distraught Mr Moon told the General Assembly “It took me 25 minutes to get in the front door! If that’s not a clear violation of my human rights then I don’t know what is.” “Right, show of hands, who thinks we should send UN peacekeepers into the car park?” he yelled, raising his own hand.
“Jane from accounting, if you’re doing this, the UN will come down on you like a tonne of bricks,” he continued “I swear to God I will make you stateless. I have a bad back and can’t walk far and you are pushing me over the fucking line!”
The crises in Syria, Iraq and Ukraine continue.