‘Scandal’, ‘controversy’ and ‘outrage’ were just some of the words with well known meanings that were mistakenly used to describe a reality television programme in which chirpy, middle class people bake cakes.
One journalist who described the brief removal of a cake from a freezer as ‘shocking’ explained, “I just don’t really know how it happened. There was this cake and this hipster with a beard and then this swan woman who also made cakes and then one cake was melting maybe because swan lady took it out the freezer. I was outraged! Until I remembered it was just cake, but I had already published it by then.”
An exasperated Mary Berry exclaimed, “Cake used to be a dish of peace and reconciliation. We have desecrated the meaning of this once sacred foodstuff, may god have mercy upon us all!” Before she collapsed weeping into a flan.
A broadcaster tried to defend the error, “You have to understand that it isn’t just a programme about cakes, it’s also occasionally a programme about pastries. And besides, how would you feel if your cake, which was inexplicably unable to exist at room temperature, had been placed in room temperature for a very short period of time by another person?”
Whilst there has been great speculation as to what kind of media spectacle will accompany next year’s series, analysts are agreed that it will almost certainly involve ferocious, mindless anger directed at someone female.
At the time of going to press, Ruby Tandoh was available for comment.