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Facebook timeline now 90% sure when you will die

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You’re roughly 3,687 likes away from that massive coronary

Facebook today announced that a predicted death date will be the latest edition to its timeline interface, allowing users to see when the social networking site expects them to expire based on the data they have inputted into the site about their lives.

Drawn from lifestyle preferences such as Instagramming meals, running 10k races for charity, and how many sonograms they’ve posted,  the Facebook death date is said to be accurate to within one year. But like all Facebook applications it’s soon to be married to a raft of advertising tools; in this case interment and bereavement services.

Facebook’s analytics team also stressed the importance of the ice-bucket challenge in making determinations. “Those that have done the ice bucket challenge are like 40% more likely to get hit by a bus in the next five minutes, that’s just how karma works” said engineer Adrian Hewitt, 1973 – 2021.

“We at Facebook are all about sharing the human experience” said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, 1984 – 2053. “Whether that’s university pictures, job information or the inevitable demise of every last one us, Facebook wants to be there to help catalogue all life’s little events”.

In a clarification Facebook’s press office stated that it did not see its users’ deaths as an insuperable barrier to a continuing timeline presence. People can always check-in at the morgue or let each other know where their ashes are being spread.

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