Captain Louis Van Gaal today insisted that his purchase of a new ‘Ángel di María’ deckchair for £59.7m signified the salvation of the Titanic, despite recently piloting the massive ‘unsinkable’ cruise liner into an iceberg.
Since the catastrophic collision with a relatively small and insignificant League One iceberg last night, supporters of the Titanic have been watching distraught as the once-majestic ship slowly but surely sinks beneath the waves. Van Gaal attempted to assure passengers that he was the man to rescue the ship.
“This record purchase shows that I am serious about sorting out this mess,” said Van Gaal as the water rose around him. ’“I have bought the Di María deckchair because it can be placed inside or wide, which is very handy for rearranging our seating options. Well, just the upper deck now, since the lower decks have been consigned to a watery grave.”
The Di María deckchair represents the most expensive deckchair ever purchased in Britain. “If Van Gaal purchases a defending deckchair, he’ll have…well, two deckchairs,” said football analyst Sarah Withers. “Perhaps there’s some sort of plan to use them to plug the gaping hole in the side of the ship – we’ll have to wait and see.”
As the ice-cold water began to mingle with their tears, passengers were even beginning to look back on their mutiny against Captain Moyes with fond memories.