Replacing John Kerry, today the Obama administration has awarded the role of US Secretary of State to a magic 8 ball.
The ball will immediately assume charge of the ongoing Palestinian peace talks, and has already met with the President and Joint Chiefs of Staff to discuss policy in Syria, reportedly advocating an ‘ask again later’ approach to the conflict.
“I have complete faith in my new Secretary of State’s ability to match the high quality of work done by his predecessor” Obama said at the appointment ceremony. “So, should we put boots on the ground in Iraq?” he joked, shaking the ball, before assuming a stricken expression.“Christ, that’s a legally binding decision.”
The 8 ball held its first press conference this morning, making a series of disastrously miscalculated pronouncements on US foreign policy. Probed on the rioting in Ferguson, the Secretary of State appeared to freeze, and had to be revived by two aides vigorously shaking him.
When asked to comment on his appointment, Secretary 8 Ball shakily replied “Don’t count on it,” before being rapidly rolled off stage by White House communications staff.