As a salmon, I don’t get a lot of time to watch BBC Parliament. I spend my life swimming thousands of miles upstream, hoping to deposit my sperm on a female’s egg sack. And, in pretty much the exact same way, Scotland is continually fighting for greater devolution.
These Westminster politicians, they weren’t brought up in a battery farm of the coast of Fife like you and I. It’s like we’re atlantic salmon, and they’re chinook salmon, a rare breed of salmon found mainly in the pacific. They try and tell us that it makes no financial sense to leave the union – well, there are many economic arguments for and against the separation, but I don’t understand any of them because my brain is the size of a walnut.
The UK have picked us up in their jaws and are bashing us against a rock until we stop moving. And, as a salmon, I will not stand for that. Are we going to just take it, or are we going to thrash wildly around until they let go or we die from exhaustion?
Remember, at the end of this journey is a free, independent Scotland, unlike the end of my journey where I will fertilise a female’s freshly eggs and then rapidly disintegrate.
Next week, we talk to Nicola Sturgeon, a trout.