Walking incubators of disease, yesterday

Ebola virus may already be in Britain’s pubs

Walking incubators of disease, yesterday

Walking incubators of disease, yesterday

Ministers today issued a warning to the public that the Ebola virus may have already arrived in Britain after scores of pub visitors around the country were struck down this morning with a variety of ailments which one official described as ‘extremely worrying’.

“It’s far worse than we ever thought. The most we can say right now is that it appears to be spread through glasses and other receptacles containing alcohol. I have just received word that at least 75% of people who may have consumed an alcoholic beverage last night are now coming down with symptoms. At this point we can’t rule out Ebola” said a the Secretary Of State for Health Jeremy Hunt. “Oh god, we thought we had more time! What are we going to do?”

The Department of Health rushed out emergency guidelines in an attempt to alert the public. They say that if you are suffering from dehydration, an upset stomach, an unexplained headache or severe self loathing or depression you ‘may have Ebola’.  If you can leave your bed or sofa it is strongly recommended that that you report to one of the numerous quarantine camps being set up around London. “Notify your loved ones and prepare for the worst. You may not see them again.”

New research suggests that the under-35s are particularly at risk, especially those in higher education. It is also understood that those who have may have recently celebrated a birthday, wedding, or socialised with friends in the last 48 hours should keep track of any symptoms that may develop.

The arrival of the virus  has potential knock-on effects to the economy. Those affected have been leaving work early or, in some extreme cases, not turning up all while some employers have noted a lackluster demeanour among those members of their staff who have shown up.

 

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