The government today unveiled bold new plans to stop ‘excess nature’ getting in the way of its economic recovery. The plan will put the under-used national parks to good use by allowing multinational corporations to peel them back and see what’s hiding underneath.
“For too long these pesky natural environments have been getting between hard working business and delicious gas and oil reserves,” said Communities Secretary Eric Pickles. “It might be difficult for people to picture but beneath all the boring trees and rivers and wildlife there might be tonnes of noxious gas and poisonous compounds just waiting to be unleashed on the world!”
“We need to think about the future,” continued Pickles. “About 15 years into the future.”
Mr Pickles showed his green credentials making the following promise to environmentalists. “Once we’re sure this bitch of a countryside isn’t holding out on us by hiding any more of that sweet sweet carbon, then we can start to think about alternative energy resources that will take us into the future. To do so now would be premature.”
Critics are saying that the government could still be doing more to help struggling industry. “Trees have been used as a source of energy for centuries,” says Adam Peavoy of the Trees First Foundation. “Why are we trying out other forms of energy when there are still trees everywhere?! To be really efficient we should use up the last of them before moving on to this new fangled oil and coal.”
“I never go to the countryside anyway so i wouldn’t miss it,” says Angela Brady, a long life Londoner. “I sometime accidentally leave the gas hob on all day though so if it was slightly cheaper I wouldn’t have to worry about that so much. We all have to make sacrifices in these harsh economic times and right now it’s nature’s turn.”