Dolphins not actually smart, just use big words


“You’re talking a lot, but you’re not saying anything”

Dolphins, long believed to be one of the smartest creatures on the planet, have fallen in the animal intelligence rankings this week. Marine biologists from Newcastle have found that dolphins only appear to be intelligent due to their deliberate use of unnecessarily flowery and obscure language.

“What our research shows is that despite the impression of intelligence given by their large vocabulary, half the time they’re not even using the right word for the occasion,” explained Dr. Jo Kepworth, who led the study. “It seems that dolphins are guilty of trying to make themselves sound educated and sophisticated to impress people – much like Russell Brand.”

Dolphins have reacted angrily to the findings. “Sqqqquuuuuuuuuuueeeeeee click click click buzz,” said 12-year-old male Flipper, although he could just have said “click squee” which means the same thing without being so long-winded and pretentious.

The same team of scientists also found that gorillas are much smarter than previously thought but hide their intelligence in order to fit in with the cooler apes like the bonobos.

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