After a busy week of threatening workers’ right to organise and railroading legislation through Parliament, David Cameron took a moment out today to apologise for every staff member he has appointed, or will ever appoint.
“After the performance of my Government this week, I would like to take this opportunity to apologise for every Tory Minister and MP, past present and future” Mr Cameron explained at a press conference “As well as anyone who has ever voted Conservative. We made a mistake.”
“I also personally apologise for my failure to prevent all the disasters which we will create in the coming year” Cameron said “I have a zero tolerance policy towards repeated, systemic failures made over a long period of time. And I will still have one in 12 months, when we make the exact same mistakes all over again.”
“For Michael Gove inevitably saying the French weren’t really part of the first World War, so why teach them – sorry.” The Prime Minister continued “For David Willetts deciding ‘Why stop at £9000? In for a penny, in for 20 grand’ – sorry. For Nick Clegg – sorry. For us somehow winning a majority in 2015, I am truly sorry.”
After finishing the conference, Cameron reportedly strolled back into No 10. “Carte Blanche boys,” he told his Cabinet “Carte Blanche.”