The government has today introduced emergency surveillance legislation giving all British mothers access to their children’s internet history. The nation’s mothers are said to be ‘appalled’ at the revealed contents of the past 10 years’ unregulated browsing.
The controversial bill gained cross party support and was rushed through Parliament this afternoon, following a tense phone conversation in which Labour Leader Ed Miliband reportedly struggled to explain to his own mother “exactly what it is” that he “doesn’t want her to see.”
“Yes Mum,” Mr Miliband was heard to remark in the course of the negotiation. “No Mum, there’s nothing on my laptop that …No, I haven’t been looking at that again. Yes… no……I’ll have it done by this afternoon. What?…No I don’t know your password. Mum, I have to go Mum, I’m giving a speech… yes.. yes, about that… Okay…YES. God.”
In a statement for popular online platform Mumsnet, spokesperson Cathy Gilbert commented that “we thought you were all staying up late researching projects?” before adding that “you always used to be such good children,” and that she “wasn’t angry, just disappointed.”
Online privacy groups are said to be working round the clock on a new “comprehensive guide” for citizens attempting to dissuade their mothers from examining their browsing history. “It’s not going to be easy,” admitted one member of Liberty UK. “Unless your mother has a birthday coming up and you can claim you’re searching for a present, you’ll have no excuse. We recommend power surges every few days to fry the house’s electronics. Or stop looking at porn, obviously. You could do that.”