Oh god. Not again.

Most of human existence now spent charging electronics

Oh god. Not again.

“What, again?”

A crack team of anthropologists, psychologists, statisticians, and engineers charged with investigating life in 2014 today announced that modern human existence is ‘mostly about charging electronic devices. About 60%, to be precise.”

“Between laptops, phones, tablets, and innumerable other devices, modern man has a lot on his plate. If we’re being brutally honest, it’s all humans are good for anymore” said Alice Stephens, director of research for the project. “The whole ‘progressing as a species’ thing seems to be grinding to a halt.”

“It’s like the products are in charge. People have given up on reproducing as they’re already looking after a large and demanding family of tech devices. On average, more time is spent interacting with phones than with family members. Oh, excuse me, I have to take this…” said Stephens as she exited the press conference.

Londoner Andrew McKenzie agreed with the findings, saying: “It’s sad but true. The worst part is if I’m not charging them I’m thinking about ways to charge them at a later point.”

And what about the remaining 40%? Is this the time for art, culture, and love?

“Not at all. We’re confident that the other 30% is spent looking for chargers, 5% asking friends and colleagues if you can borrow theirs for a short while and the remaining 5% is spent browsing online for cheap chargers”.

Some observers have, nonetheless, argued that the predominance of phone charging activities has the potential to ‘enrich’ modern life beyond the experience of previous generations. Mark Ford, CEO of the CarPhone Warehouse, argued that “there’s nothing to be scared of here. Charging phones, and buying the appliances with which to do so, is a transcendent pursuit for millions of people. This is just the logical next step for the human experience.”

 

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