The government today announced that it will be launching a thorough investigation into allegations of covering up child abuse made by itself against itself. The government was at pains to point out that it would do all that it could to hold the government to account while also remaining impartial as a government.
“Our party will be equally fair with both our party and the other parties,” said Chancellor George Osborne. “We will not to turn this into either a distraction from the ongoing economic crisis or a platform for the upcoming general election. We’re not like the other parties who would use this for their own gain. You can trust us on that.”
“The primary investigative strategy will be to approach other members of parliament at various functions or maybe in the canteen and casually dropping child abuse into the conversation.,” said Osborne. “If they don’t show any interest then I think we can safely rule them out. We’re all gentlemen after all. We wouldn’t lie to each other.”
“My department has lost around 100 files relating to these cases so who better to investigate what happened,” said Home Secretary Theresa May. “If anyone can get to the bottom of dirty dealings in this department it’s this department.”
“There is one thing though,” continued May, “We won’t be looking at our computer records while thoroughly investigating ourselves. We need them for typing and writing the reports and stuff. And I use that password for all my other stuff, like Amazon and email. So…”
The Chancellor Mr Osborne has begun his investigation into government collusion, bribery and corruption while in India where he is expected to receive invaluable advice on how not to get caught doing any of the above and how to effectively cover up any wrong doings that are accidentally uncovered.
Some senior figures have nevertheless opined that the government has “gone too far.” Lord Brittan, who served as Home Secretary while the dossier was originally lost, stated that: “There’s a real danger here of this becoming a witch-hunt. We should think twice before we initiate mob rule by establishing a competent inquiry to thoroughly investigate what happened. This can only end with someone being disgraced.”