The Israeli and Palestinian governments won praise from the international community today after announcing that the Middle Eastern peace process between the two states will feature 40-50% fewer abductions and brutal killings of teenagers.
“It’s the breakthrough we’ve all been holding out for,” commented US Secretary of State John Kerry. “We managed to bring both sides to the table and get them to agree that even if they won’t do everything they can to prevent lots of children being massacred to no apparent end, they’ll at least aim to cut it down a bit. Then we can really start talking about peace, as long as only one or two kids die.”
“These two nations can and will live in harmony together, particularly if we don’t mind sacrificing a couple of schoolboys – perhaps some of the ones who aren’t hitting their grades, probably wouldn’t miss them – every month or two,” Kerry added.
Extremist factions on both sides are said to have been extremely concerned about the limitations that the announcement would impose on their activities, before realising that actually they’d be OK to do away with one or two pubescent boys every now and then as long as they keep it on the down low and don’t brag too much about it.