Ambitious graduates eager to jumpstart career burnout


“Eyes on the prize: an unfulfilling life of backbreaking mundanity.”

The government has released figures which show more young people than ever are choosing to go straight from university into a decade-long career burnout.

“Ambitious idealists today see all these middle-aged people working themselves into an early grave in terrible jobs and they think ‘Hey, I want a piece of that’,” says Tim Smith, market analyst. “And what’s more, as is so typical of their generation, they want it now.”

The shift towards a rapid spiral of depression in meaningless employment represents a significant change for young people. “Graduates used to take a few years to explore the possibilities of being alive in this wonderful world before finally succumbing to the deathly forces of capitalism and sacrificing all chance of happiness forever. Now, they’re skipping the first part,” explained psychologist Sarah Bloom.

“Traditionally, losing the will to even try and make anything meaningful of your time on this planet was the reserve of the 45 to 50 year old male,” Bloom continued. “But we’re seeing these young graduates, shaking up the status quo, getting in there right from the start.”

Other recent statistics indicate that graduates can now expect to go through several burnouts of different careers in their lifetime. “The days of having just one long protracted scream of anguish in the workplace are gone,” added Smith. “These youngsters will have the opportunity to experience this angst over and over again.”

Many were unsurprised by the findings. “The plan is to desperately start racing up that career ladder without taking the time to consider my options – I’m thinking a hastily accepted job in the city, consultancy, or software development,” said student Sam Key. “Then by 24 I’ll have realised there’s no such thing as a career anymore, owning property is a pipe dream, and I’ll already be bailing out of my job in abject misery. I’ll be working in a bar by the time I’m 26. Swish.”

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