"Soon that job cleaning toilets in Cricklewood town hall will be mine!"

Job seeker claims to be decided via fights to the death

"Soon that job cleaning toilets in Cricklewood town hall will be mine!"

“Soon that job stacking shelves in Lidl shall be mine!”

The government has announced that Job Centre clients must fight to the death to decide which of them are worthy of the few jobs that are available. Most of the stadiums and arenas built for the London Olympics will be re-opened for what the government are calling “Benefits Royale” and leisure centres across the country will donate their badminton courts for local events.

“This is about ending the something-for-nothing culture and replacing it with a something-for-satisfying-your-overlords’-bloodlust culture,” David Cameron explained. “Not only will it be entertaining but we won’t have to pay unemployment benefits for the chap that lost. Two unemployed men enter; none leave.”

Ian Duncan-Smith was also quick to champion the policy. “This scheme will itself create a number of jobs,” he said. “We’ll need referees to oversee the matches, we’ll need swordsmiths to provide weapons and of course we’ll need people to drag the mangled corpses of the formerly unemployed out of the arena after battle.”

The tabloids have heralded the move as a return to good old fashioned values. “I remember when I was a young lad everyone sorted out their problems this way. Some carried nets, some spears, sometimes there were lions involved and it all happened in a massive, round, open-air theatre,” wrote Richard Littlejohn, “Of course, that was before all of this health and safety nonsense”.

The public are invited to attend the melee but will have to pay £2.99 a ticket, the proceeds of which will go towards buying local authorities brand new iron maidens in which to encase the homeless.

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