Rumours that Glastonbury Festival has managed to secure 100,000 paralytically drunk morons as one of its lead acts just days before the festival starts were officially confirmed today.
“It’s a big win for us,” confirmed organiser Michael Eavis. “We were pretty confident in the quality of the line-up, with Metallica, Ed Sheeran, Blondie and so on – but the real attraction is expected to be the thousands of completely wasted reprobates that we’ve managed to get in at the last-minute.”
“If it’s anything like last year, they’ll get up to all sorts of antics on the big stage – getting off their faces with any mind-altering substance they can lay their hands on, fucking each other like diseased rabbits, throwing up inside their sleeping bags, and posting every single minute of their unsanitary mud-soaked weekend on Instagram to make it clear how much fun they are having.”
“But really it’s all about the music at the end of the day,” added Eavis.