Iraq vs. ISIS, as viewed by Jonathan Pearce and Mark Lawrenson


Live commentary from the Iraq vs. ISIS battle raging at the Baiji oil refinery. Commentary by Jonathan Pearce (Robot Wars) and Mark Lawrenson (PES 2008).

Pearce: And you join us here, on a big night at the Baiji oil refinery, with its striking modernist architecture – probably something to do with refining oil, I’d imagine.

Lawrenson: You’d imagine, wouldn’t you.

Pearce: It’s a big night for both of the teams here. ISIS looking for a win to go through to Baghdad to potentially face the USA once again, depending on the results of the Congress-Obama playoff. Iraq just looking to get revenge for the drubbing they received in Mosul last week. And both teams obviously looking not to die horribly in a pointless war.

Lawrenson: Sounds like Brazil vs. Mexico!

Pearce: Thanks for that, Mark. Iraq PM Nouri Maliki on the touchline there, urging his men to unite against the insurgency. But they’re looking pretty lacklustre! The war’s almost at the edge of their capital city.

Lawrenson: Disappointing – they’re just giving it away.

Pearce: Any tactical advantage you would have thought Iraq would have had from being on home soil doesn’t really fly, because ISIS is also within Iraq – or sort of, it’s complicated, but-

Lawrenson: Oh! He’s nearly got it…

Pearce: A good shot there from an ISIS militant, but he just missed the massed unarmed civilians two feet away from him.

Lawrenson: He’s a worse shot than Neymar!

Pearce: Thanks for that, Mark. Oh, Captain Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi will be disappointed with that. Or so we presume, at least, not having seen him for a few years. Could be somebody else leading ISIS altogether! We just don’t know. It’s quite difficult to see the action from over here in the West…

Lawrenson: As the actress said to the bishop!

Pearce: Thanks for that, Mark. Now I know that Iraq have apparently been receiving coaching from Iran’s Qasem Soleimani, of the Iranian Revolutionary Guards, but it looks like even his notorious tactical genius can’t help them. They’re being over run!

Lawrenson: Sounds like Holland vs. Spain!

Pearce: Thanks for that, Mark. Oh, and now the international community is being consulted to determine if intervention is justified or not. And…oh my goodness, “not justified” just flashed up on the big screen! No! Wait! They’ve changed it in response to current events! Apparently intervention is justified! Although it wasn’t before?!? I don’t understand! Outrageous scenes here.

Lawrenson: The technology’s out of control.

Pearce: Now what’s this? A man seems to be running everywhere over the issue. The officials trying to take him down, but he’s still going…is that…? Yes, it’s former UK PM Tony Blair! He’s telling everybody what he thinks, and it’s not going down well.

Lawrenson: Oh, nobody wants to see a Blair on the pitch.

Pearce: I’m sorry Mark! We’re going to have to leave it there, because there has apparently been an exciting development in Australia vs. Netherlands over at the FIFA World Cup! Over to you, Clive.

Clive Tyldesley: That’s right Jonathan, Robben’s about to take a corner.

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