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The ultimate guide to England World Cup glory

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With the World Cup upon us, here is Underground Magazine’s analysis of the things England need to do if they’re going to bring the world’s biggest trophy back home. Back of the net!

The tournament

  • Make sure to win the final of the World Cup. Historically, teams who have achieved this key milestone have gone on to have a 100% success rate at winning the World Cup.
  • Create shared calendar entries for matches and be sure to turn up 15-20 minutes early
  • Put ball inside goal more frequently than opponent. Repeat until the tournament is over. NB: double-check which goal to put ball inside before putting ball inside.
  • Consider purchasing a basic Portuguese phrasebook for queries such as ‘onde posso encontrar o estádio?’

The squad

  • In 2010, 100% of the winning Spanish side were wearing professional football boots. Coincidence?
  • Ensure entire team up to date on latest footballing rules and regulations e.g. offside, no. of minutes in a match. Especially important not to underestimate match duration since leaving the pitch early may result in opponents scoring points
  • Ideally team members will wear similarly-coloured shirts, with the exception of the goalkeeper
  • SPF 30 suncream can help players achieve a safe tan during matches without putting them at risk of burning

Other hot tips:

  • The Big Book of Football (2009): contains insights such as ‘11 people in a team’ and ‘ball should stay within white lines at all times’
  • Key terminology to be up to date on: pitch, ball, foot

Get all these things right, and we might just pull it off. GOAL!!!

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