The Catholic church was doing its best to remain strong today as the story of hundreds of children’s bodies being discovered at one of their Irish orphanages spread around the world.
“You wouldn’t believe how difficult this has been for me,” said Father Fintan Monaghan, secretary of the Tuam archdiocese. “Going from interview to interview trying to explain to all you trouble makers that starving children to death and throwing their tiny emaciated bodies into a sewer is just something that can’t be judged using today’s values.”
He went on to explain how the church should really be credited as there was no evidence yet that they had sexually molested the children between the ages of 2 days and 9 years old while starving them to death. “This proves that the critics of the church really owe us an apology for the slanderous allegations that we acted monstrously when given complete control over the lives of vulnerable people.”
“Of course God’s love and justice are unchanging and immortal but we his servants are still learning every day. Once we believed that burning educated women to death for witchcraft was the moral choice so if you think about it we’ve really come a long way.”
The church has promised to say some prayers over the tombs of the slaughtered children to make amends in the most economically viable way possible. “Some might say we failed them in this life,” says Fr Monaghan, “But let us find peace in the knowledge that everything is wonderful for them in heaven so no one down here should face any consequences. Amen.”